Things have been so damn different in my life lately. It was such a struggle to continue on the way I was. Eric was leaving and I wasn’t sure who would come home to me or if he would even WANT to come home to me. As it turns out, whereas I thought I’d grow stronger in my feelings and he’d want to be separate, the opposite happened.
Now I’m kind of in a relationship, but I notice a difference. Positive, but a difference nonetheless. I am able to really live life the way I want to. What’s different though, is the fact that I feel a true happiness. For instance, I before, I felt happy when we were having good times, having fun together. When we weren’t having fun though, I felt on edge. What’s going to set him off next? What did I or did I not do that I should or shouldn’t have done? So many eggshells to try to step around.
What’s really sad about that is the amount of time spent in that relationship. We had built such a level of trust with one another, really cared about each other and each of our well being. Plus, I don’t think two people could ever have more fun together. Sometimes though, love isn’t all it takes. Personalities that clash do just that: clash.
So here I am, building a new life. I’ve purchased a vehicle and I’m in the process of renovating the apartment, if renovating is even the right word. Slightly redecorating might be more appropriate, lol. Money is tight right now and work…well, work has been interesting. Ups and downs, but I can’t/won’t go into too many details.
Anyway, I want to start blogging more. This semester has been horrible, but that’s a blog for another time/day. I will keep the world updated about the renovating process!
- Mood:
bouncy
and words are free to run through me.
What was it that blocked me so?
I know, but he'll never believe me though.
In the end, does it matter?
I am only human. These are the facts.
We live our separate realities.
I was meant to have this swirling freedom and language...
Investigating it, policing it was a silent poison.
How can I live without the freedom of my words?
But now here I am, words bursting freely
And someone waiting to digest them greedily.
***Anyway, so I'm not real sure how I feel about that one. Alls I know is it started forming and I let it go. =) That's that. I'll go ahead and edit it and crap as usual later on or something. Or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow.
- Mood:
creative
Wow. Out of anger or something? No. Nothing that makes me think, "Wow, I really shouldn't have said that." Everything I've said and done out of anger needed to be said. The closest that I could come to thinking that would probably be simply HOW I say certain things. It's difficult, sometimes, to get myself to temper my attitude. I need to realize that just because I know how they're SUPPOSED to take it that they will actually take it that way. =)
Often, I spend time explaining why it came out the way it did. It usually ends up being fine and we're no closer or worse than we were before.
But I'm sticking by my senior quote that said, "The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves." The question now becomes, how do I BEGIN to pick up the shambles that are my life? I think I'll start like this:
Feel better physically about myself: I've already started. I decided to quit smoking and I took my tounge ring out so I felt more grown. Now, I need to (grossly enough) make sure I make a habit of shaving again, keep my eyebrows done, and lose weight.
Then, I need to be financially surviving: meaning, unlike recently, I need to be able to AT LEAST pay my rent and the rest of my bills. I'd much prefer to have to ask for grocery money than bill money. I think that owning my own car so that I don't get stranded like that EVER again would also go under this category and I've got a plan for achieving that too. I'm using my excess check in September to pay off my credit cards. Entirely. Then I'm going to wait for about a month or two and buy a car.
Last thing, I want to be happy about my personal life which includes my relationship with Eric and dealing with my mom's passing. I want to be able to have friends without feeling weird around them I don't know how to socialize or feel like I can't be myself around them. My plan of action on this one, though, isn't as developed. I may need a little help with this one.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
While my mind does understand the benefits of being more physically active, I will just have to find ways to make my life include more physical activity within my daily activities. Of course, that does not mean that I don't want to do yoga anymore; I do. It just means that I won't be running a lot or working out outside of that.
That's okay with me. I dropped my aerobics class that I had this summer and I will be dropping the one I have in the fall in place of a Health and Wellness online class. This will be beneficial for me because it's online and gives me more time to complete my internship, but it will suck because I am not particularly interested in this class. Oh well. I need the last two credits.
As for life? It's going well. Eric and I are working through our differences and I plan to continue to do so.
Right now, my major annoyances are having a shitty car (the '96 GMC Jimmy) and an outdated computer (bought new in 2006). Of course, come September 4, I will be able to purchase a new one, but I also want to pay on my credit cards.
Eric leaves August 23rd, and I graduate Dec. 12. Whenever he gets stationed somewhere, I will leave Valdosta and join him. However, despite that, I will have from December 13th to about April or May here without school, so I will work full time. I'm excited about that because I'll be able to get some credit card bills down and maybe afford a vehicle.
We will seeeeee!!!! OKAY, toodles*~
- I fucked up a project and got myself 14 pts off. Bright side? Still only need a 58/75 to get an A on the final.
- It's raining outside and the bottom of my pants legs and feet are wet.
- I'm at the library "working" when I'd rather be at home, sleeping.
- I have to study for a final exam tomorrow.
- I have bubble guts :(
- I hate myself.
Okay, a few things going on here. First thing’s first:
Yoga
I purchased a new yoga DVD in addition to a pilates DVD! Hooray. I’m excited. Now all I have to do is really devote myself to the practice. Pilates to help me lose weight and yoga to make me feel good! =). I will attempt to try and do this every day for the rest of the month, meaning I will have to FIND the time and space to do so!
Now, I only say for the rest of this month because starting in June, I start an Aerobics class that is Monday through Thursday up until the very end of July or very beginning of August – I can’t remember which. THEN, I start fitness walking (at least I think that’s what it’s called; it may be circuit training) in August, about two weeks after the end of the aerobics class. In that gap, I will be doing yoga every day.
During the time periods where I have graded physical education classes, I will be doing yoga and/or pilates on my days off, 2 days a week.
Of course, yoga isn’t the only thing I’ve made a decision on. Second thing’s next:
Tattoos
I doubt I have chronicled the struggle I have been having ever since February. I simply have been unable to figure out how I want to chronicle my mom that is simple, really reminds me of her, is pretty, and fits her as a person.
After almost 4 months, I have finally made my decision. I am going to get a tattoo that says:
ruhe in frieden, mom.
ich vermisse dich.
It means “Rest in peace, mom. I miss you.” I want it to have all lower caps and I think I want it in that kind of typewriter font. As for location, I believe I want on my other side, below where my bikini top would sit if I were to have one on.
Of course, I still have those other ideas. I want a blue lotus, although I believe I want it on my foot or shoulder now and I still want “intelligence” in it somewhere. I want to add to the one on my back – perhaps just a little goddess looking up at the moon.
Then, I want to get something on my foot (assuming I get the lotus on my shoulder), and I want it to be decorative, but I’m thinking it will be the day after my wedding, assuming I marry Eric. This way, it will continue the theme. I will, of course, keep everyone updated!
- Mood:
contemplative
Well, in an effort to procrastinate starting on my LAST paper/assignment for the Spring 2009 semester, I browsed some more podcasts in the iTunes store.
I must say that there is certainly a wide array of different podcasts. As I've already noted, I've subscribed to two yoga ones and today I went ahead and subscribed to one about sexuality, cooking, and Buddhism! Now, just to cut this short, I can simply refer you all to a post I wrote about Buddhism and my fascination with it.
To keep it simple, it seems as if that particular podcast is devoted to helping one meditate and help understand the different paths of Buddhism. It's called Zencast. I did the first cast (which is the first of over 200!!! I have a lot of catching up to do!) and was happy to find that it was just something to help you meditate for a specific amount of time (10 minutes). Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to finish because I was interrupted by foul music, air conditioners, and opening doors, but I did get through 8 minutes of it, and in the middle of the day, that might be the best I can ask for.
Anyway, it's onward bound for me. Here's the previous post about Buddhism:
I totally found this on Buddhanet.net:
Quick Introduction:
• What is Buddhism?
Buddhism is a religion to about 300 million people around the world. The word comes from 'budhi', 'to awaken'. It has its origins about 2,500 years ago when Siddhartha Gotama, known as the Buddha, was himself awakened (enlightened) at the age of 35.• Is Buddhism a Religion?
To many, Buddhism goes beyond religion and is more of a philosophy or 'way of life'. It is a philosophy because philosophy 'means love of wisdom' and the Buddhist path can be summed up as:(1) to lead a moral life,
(2) to be mindful and aware of thoughts and actions, and
(3) to develop wisdom and understanding.• How Can Buddhism Help Me?
Buddhism explains a purpose to life, it explains apparent injustice and inequality around the world, and it provides a code of practice or way of life that leads to true happiness.• Why is Buddhism Becoming Popular?
Buddhism is becoming popular in western countries for a number of reasons, The first good reason is Buddhism has answers to many of the problems in modern materialistic societies. It also includes (for those who are interested) a deep understanding of the human mind (and natural therapies) which prominent psychologists around the world are now discovering to be both very advanced and effective.• Who Was the Buddha?
Siddhartha Gotama was born into a royal family in Lumbini, now located in Nepal, in 563 BC. At 29, he realised that wealth and luxury did not guarantee happiness, so he explored the different teachings religions and philosophies of the day, to find the key to human happiness. After six years of study and meditation he finally found 'the middle path' and was enlightened. After enlightenment, the Buddha spent the rest of his life teaching the principles of Buddhism — called the Dhamma, or Truth — until his death at the age of 80.• Was the Buddha a God?
He was not, nor did he claim to be. He was a man who taught a path to enlightenment from his own experience.• Do Buddhists Worship Idols?
Buddhists sometimes pay respect to images of the Buddha, not in worship, nor to ask for favours. A statue of the Buddha with hands rested gently in its lap and a compassionate smile reminds us to strive to develop peace and love within ourselves. Bowing to the statue is an expression of gratitude for the teaching.• Why are so Many Buddhist Countries Poor?
One of the Buddhist teachings is that wealth does not guarantee happiness and also wealth is impermanent. The people of every country suffer whether rich or poor, but those who understand Buddhist teachings can find true happiness.• Are There Different Types of Buddhism?
There are many different types of Buddhism, because the emphasis changes from country to country due to customs and culture. What does not vary is the essence of the teaching — the Dhamma or truth.• Are Other Religions Wrong?
Buddhism is also a belief system which is tolerant of all other beliefs or religions. Buddhism agrees with the moral teachings of other religions but Buddhism goes further by providing a long term purpose within our existence, through wisdom and true understanding. Real Buddhism is very tolerant and not concerned with labels like 'Christian', 'Moslem', 'Hindu' or 'Buddhist'; that is why there have never been any wars fought in the name of Buddhism. That is why Buddhists do not preach and try to convert, only explain if an explanation is sought.• Is Buddhism Scientific?
Science is knowledge which can be made into a system, which depends upon seeing and testing facts and stating general natural laws. The core of Buddhism fit into this definition, because the Four Noble truths (see below) can be tested and proven by anyone in fact the Buddha himself asked his followers to test the teaching rather than accept his word as true. Buddhism depends more on understanding than faith.• What did the Buddha Teach?
The Buddha taught many things, but the basic concepts in Buddhism can be summed up by the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path.• What is the First Noble Truth?
The first truth is that life is suffering i.e., life includes pain, getting old, disease, and ultimately death. We also endure psychological suffering like loneliness frustration, fear, embarrassment, disappointment and anger. This is an irrefutable fact that cannot be denied. It is realistic rather than pessimistic because pessimism is expecting things to be bad. lnstead, Buddhism explains how suffering can be avoided and how we can be truly happy.• What is the Second Noble Truth?
The second truth is that suffering is caused by craving and aversion. We will suffer if we expect other people to conform to our expectation, if we want others to like us, if we do not get something we want,etc. In other words, getting what you want does not guarantee happiness. Rather than constantly struggling to get what you want, try to modify your wanting. Wanting deprives us of contentment and happiness. A lifetime of wanting and craving and especially the craving to continue to exist, creates a powerful energy which causes the individual to be born. So craving leads to physical suffering because it causes us to be reborn.• What is the Third Noble Truth?
The third truth is that suffering can be overcome and happiness can be attained; that true happiness and contentment are possible. lf we give up useless craving and learn to live each day at a time (not dwelling in the past or the imagined future) then we can become happy and free. We then have more time and energy to help others. This is Nirvana.• What is the Fourth Noble Truth?
The fourth truth is that the Noble 8-fold Path is the path which leads to the end of suffering.• What is the Noble 8-Fold Path?
In summary, the Noble 8-fold Path is being moral (through what we say, do and our livelihood), focussing the mind on being fully aware of our thoughts and actions, and developing wisdom by understanding the Four Noble Truths and by developing compassion for others.• What are the 5 Precepts?
The moral code within Buddhism is the precepts, of which the main five are: not to take the life of anything living, not to take anything not freely given, to abstain from sexual misconduct and sensual overindulgence, to refrain from untrue speech, and to avoid intoxication, that is, losing mindfulness.• What is Karma?
Karma is the law that every cause has an effect, i.e., our actions have results. This simple law explains a number of things: inequality in the world, why some are born handicapped and some gifted, why some live only a short life. Karma underlines the importance of all individuals being responsible for their past and present actions. How can we test the karmic effect of our actions? The answer is summed up by looking at (1) the intention behind the action, (2) effects of the action on oneself, and (3) the effects on others.• What is Wisdom?
Buddhism teaches that wisdom should be developed with compassion. At one extreme, you could be a goodhearted fool and at the other extreme, you could attain knowledge without any emotion. Buddhism uses the middle path to develop both. The highest wisdom is seeing that in reality, all phenomena are incomplete, impermanent and do no constitute a fixed entity. True wisdom is not simply believing what we are told but instead experiencing and understanding truth and reality. Wisdom requires an open, objective, unbigoted mind. The Buddhist path requires courage, patience, flexibility and intelligence.• What is Compassion?
Compassion includes qualities of sharing, readiness to give comfort, sympathy, concern, caring. In Buddhism, we can really understand others, when we can really understand ourselves, through wisdom.• How do I Become a Buddhist?
Buddhist teachings can be understood and tested by anyone. Buddhism teaches that the solutions to our problems are within ourselves not outside. The Buddha asked all his followers not to take his word as true, but rather to test the teachings for themselves. ln this way, each person decides for themselves and takes responsibility for their own actions and understanding. This makes Buddhism less of a fixed package of beliefs which is to be accepted in its entirety, and more of a teaching which each person learns and uses in their own way.
Teachings:
The Triple Gem
1. The Buddha — The self awakened one. The original nature of the Heart;
2. The Dhamma — The Teaching. The nature of reality;
3. The Sangha — a. The Awakened Community. b. Any harmonious assembly. c. All Beings.The Four Noble Truths
1. The Noble Truth of Dukkha - stress, unsatisfactoriness, suffering;
2. The Noble Truth of the causal arising of Dukkha, which is grasping, clinging and wanting;
3. The Noble Truth of Nirvana, The ending of Dukkha. Awakening, Enlightenment. "Mind like fire unbound";
4. The Noble Truth of the Path leading to Nirvana or Awakening.All Buddhist teachings flow from the Four Noble Truths. Particularly emphasised in the Theravada.
The Four Bodhisattva Vows
1. I vow to rescue the boundless living beings from suffering; (Link to 1st Truth)
2. I vow to put an end to the infinite afflictions of living beings; (Link to 2nd Truth)
3. I vow to learn the measureless Dharma-doors; (Link to 4th Truth)
4. I vow to realise the unsurpassed path of the Buddha. (Link to 3th Truth)Foundation of the Mahayana Path, these vows say. 'Whatever the highest perfection of the human heart-mind may I realise it for the benefit of all that lives!'
The Eight Fold-Path
Right, Integral, Complete, Perfected.
1. Right View, Understanding;
2. Right Attitude, Thought or Emotion;
3. Right Speech;
4. Right Action;
5. Right livelihood;
6. Right Effort, Energy, and Vitality;
7. Right Mindfulness or Awareness;
8. Right Samadhi "concentration", one-pointedness. Integration of, or establishment in, various levels of consciousness.Alternate meanings are given as the original Pali has shades of meaning not available in one English word.
The Five Precepts
I undertake to:
1. Abstain from killing living beings;
2. Abstain from taking that which not given;
3. Abstain from sexual misconduct;
4. Abstain from false speech;
5. Abstain from distilled substances that confuse the mind. (Alcohol and Drugs)The underlying principle is non-exploitation of yourself or others. The precepts are the foundation of all Buddhist training. With a developed ethical base, much of the emotional conflict and stress that we experience is resolved, allowing commitment and more conscious choice. Free choice and intention is important. It is "I undertake" not 'Thou Shalt". Choice, not command.
The Five Precepts in positive terms
I undertake the training precept to:
1. Act with Loving-kindness;
2. Be open hearted and generous;
3. Practice stillness, simplicity and contentment;
4. Speak with truth, clarity and peace;
5. Live with mindfulness.The Ten Paramita
Paramita means gone to the other shore, it is the highest development of each of these qualities.
1. Giving or Generosity; *
2. Virtue, Ethics, Morality; *
3. Renunciation, letting go, not grasping;
4. Panna or Prajna "Wisdom" insight into the nature of reality; *
5. Energy, vigour, vitality, diligence; *
6. Patience or forbearance; *
7. Truthfulness;
8. Resolution, determination, intention;
9. Kindness, love, friendliness;
10. Equanimity.* In Mahayana Buddhism, 6 are emphasised, they are, numbers l., 2., 4., 5., 6., Samadhi (see Path) & 4.
The Four Sublime or Uplifted States
1. Metta — Friendliness, Loving-kindness;
2. Karuna — Compassion;
3. Mudita — Joy, Gladness. Appreciation of good qualities in people;
4. Upekkha — Equanimity, the peaceful unshaken mind.Full development of these four states develops all of the Ten Paramita.
The Five Powers or Spiritual Faculties
1.Faith, Confidence;
2. Energy, Effort;
3. Mindfulness;
4. Samadhi;
5. Wisdom.The Five Hindrances
1. Sense craving;
2. Ill-will;
3. Sloth and Torpor;
4, Restlessness and Worry;
5. Toxic doubt and the ruthless inner critic.The Four bases or Frames of Reference of Mindfulness
1. Mindfulness of the Body — breath, postures, parts;
2. Mindfulness of Feelings, Sensations — pleasant, unpleasant and neutral;
3. Mindfulness of States of Consciousness;
4. Mindfulness of all Phenomena or Objects of Consciousness.The Three Signs of Existence or Universal Properties
1. Anicca — Impermanent;
2. Dukkha — Unsatisfactory, stress inducing;
3. Anatta — Insubstantial or Not-self.
Ever since I first read about Buddhism in high school, I have been SO in love with it. I want to live my life like that. I want to learn how to meditate. I just don't think that I have what it takes. Haha. I don't think that I can be good in what I think. =|...the Four Noble Truths are fine. It's the 8-fold path that gets me.
I have to try though. Everytime I think about religion, I think about Buddhism. It's just so beautiful. It's so...right. Yesh yesh. I love it. I have to try to do it. If I can do that, it will even help me in regular life, which is what it's all about. Religion isn't supposed to be some seperate sector of your life. Religion is about how you live your life. It's about how you think, believe, behave. That's not just every Sunday, waking up and going to church and then the next day going and being...promiscuous or whatever.
I have to try. It won't be right if I don't.
With much love, always,
<3 Celena
- Mood:
impressed
Also, my friend Laura and I have tentatively agreed to work out together twice a week starting next Thursday. We'll either walk or do some video thing. It will be awesome I'm sure, even though at first I will feel kind of nervous doing it with her, but that's the whole point. Plus, it should help make us closer and build a better friendship.
Okay, just wanted to update that.
This means I am going to be getting paid every week! I've decided that whenever Eric goes to basic, I would designate 75-80% of my check toward two of my credit card bills. One WGST check goes to one bill, the next check goes to another bill, etc. and alternate like that. By the end of the summer, I should have a good start on paying them off, especially since 75% of $1,000 is $750. If I divide that by two, it's not awesome, compared to what I do have in debt, but it's an okay start, as I mentioned earlier. It will definitely take me out of the $1K+ range!
So yeah, that's exciting. Then I can designate a little bit of money from my other check to work on paying off the 3rd credit card bill I have, and if any is left over that I feel like being smart with, I can pay off MORE. Of course, this is all moot if I don't actually DO it. Originally, I was going to spend my entire second check on a bill, but then I figured that I would be smarter than that, and well as more honest. If I spend all of my money on that credit card bill, I would more than likely use the nicely freed up credit card. I need to keep a little to myself, or at least trick myself into thinking so!
Therefore, I am going to make it my goal to pay at least 75% of whatever I make over the summer toward credit cards, and I will be easy to keep up with! If I surpass it, that will be great. Should be an easy thing to do. I am also going to make it my goal, since the other goal only focuses on two credit cards, to pay a total of $150 toward the third card. That seems cheap, but really it all just depends on my financial situation. Hopefully I will be able to do it, but I may not if Eric doesn't leave for basic sometime soon.
It turns out that it really was for athletes! It. Kicked. My. Ass. In fact, I had attempted it before, and got so discouraged, that I gave up on yoga for a while. After going through my beginner yoga a few times, I've already gained some strength, which is why I started back on the harder one.
So finally, on my 4th go, I completed it.
Despite all of that though, there were still some poses (see following pictures) I could not do at all or could not completely follow through on. I will have to aspire to get to that level, but for where I am now, I think I've done pretty damn well.
This was offered as a more advanced alternative of the next picture. I didn't even try it because I couldn't do the simple version yet, but soon. I haven't given up hope.
I couldn't quite get my feet flat. Will work on it.
This one was featured on the video as well, except a little more space between the legs and upper body. More spread out looking. Anyway, I just didn't have enough arm strength to get up there yet. *Sigh*
Now, I could do this one, but on the video, I was then instructuted to keep the same leg in the air and use the opposite arm to hold myself up and then extend the other. I was unable to stay balanced. Of course, I'm not yet flexible enough to do this one with a straight leg, but I feel like every time I practice, I'm a little more flexible than the last. It's exciting yet daunting, because I still feel as if I am light years behind. But then again, everyone has to start somewhere. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
Right now, my biggest challenge will be finding some kind of variation in the workouts, especially since I don't have any actual equipment that many yoga practitioners have. I don't have a yoga mat! But that is okay, I plan to remedy that poblem. I think I've been holding off for one, because I have been broke, and for two, I wanted to make sure that I would actually stick with it.
Anyway, I'm done for now. I know it must be boring reading about yoga, buuut...it's my journal and I'm excited about it, so there you have it! Good night! :-)
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
- Mood:
accomplished
- Silver Borne by Patricia Briggs; February '10
- FROSTBITTEN by Kelley Armstrong; [November 2009 (it's an Elena book!!!!)]
- The Awakening by Kelley Armstrong [April 2009]
- Hunted by PC Cast; February 2009
- Cape Storm by Rachel Caine; Fall 2009
- Succubus Heat by Richelle Mead; June 2009
- Blood Promise by Richelle Mead; August 25, 2009
- Thorn Queen by Richelle Mead; August 4, 2009
- Sookie Stackhouse novels.
- Mood:
pleased
Now, I have done yoga in the past, but I've never been to a point where I felt as if I were practicing regularly. I would always get discouraged and quit because I always felt like I was out of breath and extremely sore by the end of any session. Despite that, though, I figured I would give it another shot, and bought a beginners yoga DVD. This has been the most helpful because everytime I finish it, I always feel so relaxed and stretched and healthy. In fact, it has been very motivating in that it makes me feel like I will be able to run.
Yesterday was actually the first time I completed the entire DVD yoga sequence. Normally, I would only get through about half and then call it quits because I was too tired, so I definitely feel like I accomplished something last night. Also, I feel as if it makes me more able and willing to be sexual. Whenever I complete a yoga practice, I feel as if I'm very flexible and that makes me feel sexy. We know where it goes from there ;).
Despite all of the benefits of yoga and how much I like it, I believe I need to be adding more to my workouts. Yoga is great, but it's not going to be the best way for me to lose weight, because it will not give me the cardio work-out that's needed to lose weight. Of course, during summer, I have one PE class during May and another during June and July. Besides that though, I'm thinking that pilates might be a great additive whenever I decide to work out at home. Plus, I just need to run more, no matter how much I don't like it. Oh well.
So yes, that's where I am right now. It feels good to be focusing on something other than my own grief. Naturally, dealing with a death is easier with time, but still. Mother's Day is coming up soon. I believe it will get better though. I feel as if I am on the right track now, which is really good. Plus, this semester is about 5 days from being over. Whatever grades I end up with, which I assume should be 1 'A', 1 'B', 1 'C' and 1 'D', it's OVER. I get to start from scratch and start feeling awesome about myself again.
- Location:on my couch
- Mood:
pensive
For what seemed like forever, he was unhappy. He couldn't quite seem to get the hang of repeatedly attending classes and doing homework or even studying, so he thought he was doomed to be stuck in that hell forever. Finally, he asked me the question I knew was on his mind for a while: "Would it bother you a lot if I were to join the Air Force?" The answer? Not at all. In fact, I was leaning toward it anyway. Those benefits are awesome, not to mention the fact that I will be able to move around to different places.
So yes, I hope everything goes well for him. I find out for sure by tomorrow night!!! Either he'll be sworn in or he won't be, but I'm sure that everything will go smoothly.
Anyway, aside from that, I know that I have mentioned this before, but I think I must have a school-angel! I have literally only attended half a semester's worth of classes, yet I KNOW for sure that I have an A and a B out of the deal. In fact, the one class that I was most worried about was my Sociological Theory class, and I ended up getting a 95 on the paper! Mind you, I still have one more paper to write for that class, but that's fine.
On to another topic, I'm watching HGTV (because it's what I do best) and I can't help but keep thinking about the kind of house I want to live in. I am expecting Eric to stay in the Force until he retires at about 40-41 years of age, so that's plenty of time for us to travel a lot and find the place we'd most like to live. Despite knowing that, I get so impatient and so jealous when I see these House Hunter episodes, especially the ones that have the super industrial kitchens and great design style, PLUS the nice outside view.
It's frustrating because I just want to speed my life up, make things go faster! I know I want to live in a condo or a loft and have it be very modern. In fact, just for fun, I should find pictures of homes I would like and post them.
Anyway, I'm done blabbing. I'll leave now. You know, I don't think I like livejournal that much. I like Xanga better. Just putting that out there. This is for kind of keeping tabs on what I'm physically and actively doing. Xanga is more for private...thoughts :).
If you were alive today, I would call you and be as annoying as I possibly could be, and then wish you a happy 51st birthday.
If you were alive, I'd write you an e-mail once a week, first to tell you about the progress of Eric's weight loss. I would tell you about how I'm about to register for my very last two semesters before I graduate with my B.A. I would call you when I got off work and hope I hadn't woke you up.
More importantly, if you were alive, I would tell you that you were not a disappointment to me. I would come visit you more often and I'd make sure that you know you didn't have to drink to make your past go away. I would make you talk about it, make you realize that you have other options, people to talk to.
But sadly, there's no point dwelling on what I would say if you were alive, because you're not. I have to be content with what I have said. Just know this: I love you and not a day has gone by that something hasn't reminded me of you.
May you rest in peace and happy birthday.
I wrote that on March 22, 2009. It was my mom's birthday. Kind of rough, because at first, I hadn't realized what the date was. And then it hit me. Anyway, I'm much better now than I was when I wrote this, but all of it holds true. Always will.
I must admit, it has definitely been quite a while since I posted anything. I think the main thing has been "I don't want to complain too much about everything." Believe me, that would have definitely been the case had I posted.
Right now, I'm very happy however. As you may know, I got the iPhone and I have been torn between the fact that it's an awesome phone and the fact that I could not receive any MMS! Well, coming this summer, Apple is going to be changing that AND making it easier to text by allowing landscape mode in pretty much every application.
Aside from that though, there's more good news! I register for my last two semesters next Tuesday!!! Yay!! Of course, all of that relies completely on how I pull out of this semester. Ever since my mom passed away, I have missed almost half a semesters worth of classes in one of them. Plus, I can't find my book for it so it's hard to catch up. Hopefully I can do so without stressing myself out too much, especially with a 7 pg. essay due soon.
I guess I will just be handing anything in!
I'm excited about summer though! Not only is the new iPhone OS coming out, but I will be working 2 jobs, taking a physical education class and hopefully being stress free. The only complaint I have is that Eric and I never get the opportunity to go on any trips. Everytime we try, something comes up that is more important (and marginally less fun). I am hoping that perhaps we can do something this summer, but that just depends on when Eric will be joining the airforce.
Anyway, I just wanted to update you all on my life. I'm still around, reading and slacking. Actually, speaking of reading, I downloaded the Kindle app from Amazon and have really enjoyed the portability it brings to reading. My only concern is this: I like to be able to physically see my book collection grow, which essentially means that I will have to buy the books twice or accept the fact that I may not be always purchasing corporeal books. That's a rather disheartening thought. This will require further pondering.
Anyway, I'm out. Have a wonderful day!
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
For a while now, I have been out of it. I have not been able to focus on the myriad of things that I need to focus on due to procrastination and laziness.
I'm ready to take life on with a new perspective. I'm ready to continue to make my mom proud.
- Mood:
determined
Yesterday, at 9:30PM, my mother died.
She fought her liver disease for over 7 months. The doctors thought she was going to die the last time that she got real sick a few weeks ago, but she held on for another 2 or 3 weeks.
Right now, I feel confused. I am glad that she is no longer scared, but at the same time, I'm really sad that she is gone.
Everyone keeps offering their condolences. I guess I'm glad but I am also so ready to be left alone. I feel like I am dealing with other peoples' expectations as far as how I'm supposed to be handling this situation.
Either way, I am glad that I have a support system. Just last night, Laura from work stopped by for a few hours and I really appreciated it. Eric also got me to laugh and got me some beer.
Right now I'm just tripping out about the fact that it happened on Friday the 13th, the day before Valentine's Day, and a week before I turn 21.
I'm also sad about the fact that she won't be at my graduation, she won't be able to hold her grandchildren, and she won't be able to be at my wedding. I just have to get used to her not physically being there. I want her to always be with me.
I don't know man. I'm just completely weird feeling. I just can't believe it. But it's true and I will deal with it one way or the other.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
I don't know whether I am stressed or not. I keep thinking about how easy it is for me to speak and write English, and I get frustrated that I'm not fluent in German as well. What ALSO frustrates me is that when I do get a basic knowledge and can speak German, I still won't be proficient in it. I want to know what the slang is but also know how to speak it intelligently so that I don't sound like an idiot.
I realize that this is a daunting task, but I don't even want to speak it until I know EVERYTHING. Bah.
Then I'm working all the time and I have to get up early and Eric makes me stay up late and...something's got to give. I'm sick as a dog too. Just thought I would throw that out there.
Anyway, my 21st bday is coming up soon and I'm still not sure wtf I want to do! Ugh. I might just not do anything. Other than drink. I'm just......MAD. That's all it is.
Everyday there's something, and then during my free time, I have to work on making sure I'm not a complete slob. I want to die right now.
